Problem Solving to Tame Tantrums

It was a typical day, it was a typical toddler tantrum. I had cut the rind off the watermelon slices and he wanted it left on. There was wailing and tears and falling in a crumpled heap on the floor (by the four-year-old not me). Meanwhile, I sat there and wondered: what do I do next?

Here’s what happened:

I calmly said ‘I can’t do anything about this until you calm down’. And I waited for the tears and yelling to stop. (Don’t try and work on a solution when the child is crying: you might end up getting overwhelmed and angry. Depending on what your child needs, you might send them to their room or a safe place to calm down, or cuddle them and help them count or breathe to calm down.)

I said ‘Let’s think about our options: can you think of a solution?’ When he couldn’t, I asked if it would be okay for me to think of some. We made a list:

• Don’t eat any watermelon today
• Eat it like it is (slices with no rind)
• Cut the watermelon into cubes and eat the watermelon with a fork

He chose the third option and happily ate watermelon cubes that day.

And then we created this problem solving process that I could print and put up on the wall. We still use the same process today:

• Identify the problem: Once the child is calm, use empathy and ask if you understand the problem, for example: “Are you upset because you wanted the peel left on the watermelon pieces?”
• List some solutions: as children get bigger and practice using this process, they will be able to think of some solutions too. Don’t come up with too many options, though, or they’ll get overwhelmed! List them on your fingers, and then…
• Pick one to try: this gives the child a choice of how to solve their problem, which gives them the feeling of ownership about their decision. Make sure that you stick with the plan you’ve created (unless it becomes dangerous!), so that the child can trust your follow through.

The reason we love using this process is it shows the child that having a tantrum won’t solve the problem, but when we talk about things, we can find some different solutions. It teaches the child problem solving skills and how to look for options when things don’t go according to (their) plan. And it empowers the child to make a choice within appropriate boundaries.

Download the Problem Solving Process

If you’d like a copy to display and teach your child, download the Problem Solving Process.

As I mentioned earlier, we still have this process stuck up on the wall and use it from time to time. It still helps us to resolve issues when someone is having a tantrum (even if that someone is mummy!).

I’d love to hear if you use this tool or something different! Comment below with the situation and how you resolved it!

Tanya xx

PS Will this problem solving process work for every tantrum? No, it won’t. Children have tantrums for a whole heap of reasons… but it will work if it’s a tantrum that stems from the child’s expectations not being met in one way or another.